The unfortunate reality is that, given enough time and money, nothing cool can ever simply exist. This week, it’s the James Bond franchise’s day of reckoning at the hands of Amazon MGM Studios.
There had been creeping dread ever since Bezos’ business empire acquired the studio behind 007 for the past 60 odd years back in 2021. And as it turns out, our gut instincts were correct: we should’ve never ignored the writing on the wall.
After a protracted stalemate that culminated in what’s been described as a “relationship collapse” between Amazon and longtime producers/dutiful stewards of the franchise – Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson (heirs to Albert “Cubby” Broccoli) – the former has seized “creative control” of the beloved spy series in an undisclosed financial deal.
Apparently, the best way to make your terrible ideas “good” is to gag the dissenting voices of reason with the GDP of a small nation and steamroll ahead. But granted, this is the double-edged sword of the notion that “creativity” should never be a democracy.
Broccoli and Wilson, on the other hand, have taken a step back for a new joint venture that “houses the James Bond intellectual property.”
This latest development comes amid reports that Barbara Broccoli did not trust the “algorithm-centric Amazon” to treat the ongoing Bond mythology with care (she called them “f**king idiots,” according to The Wall Street Journal).
Rightfully so if the rumblings about a potential MCU-ification of 007 are to be believed; complete with needless TV spin-offs, bastardised origin stories, retconned lore, and a competition series. It wouldn’t exactly be the first time either. Some lessons are never learned, I suppose.
Within mere hours of Amazon’s concerning victory, Jeff Bezos – an unnervingly solid analogue for a real-life James Bond villain; right down to the $100 million lava field lair, insane superyacht, and space-faring exploits – had the temerity to solicit casting advice from X (formerly Twitter):
“Who’d you pick as the next Bond?”
Let me be perfectly clear: if you can’t even create slop feed content without polling data or audience analytics, frankly, you don’t deserve the opportunity. You deserve a quiet corner in the nursery and a box of non-toxic crayons (I also don’t trust you enough to not munch on those colourful sticks).
The bad guys won. To paraphrase the late great Heath Ledger in a certain blockbuster, the regular cinemagoing populace deserves a better class of criminal.
Let’s raise a toast to the forthcoming Moneypenny prequels, young Bond animated series, and whatever Grade-A bulls**t the same folks behind My Spy: The Eternal City starring Dave Bautista are gleefully pitching behind hermetically sealed doors. All of which will likely be fronted by personalities who have the requisite social media following.
RIP James Bond (1962-2025).
