In the wilderness of urban nightlife, the bar is the communal watering hole where many peacock their feathers. Maybe to establish themselves in the social hierarchy, maybe to attract a mate. In any case, therein lies the trap of trying to look cool โ and yes, the bartenders have noticed.
Here are the seven drinks that youโre ordering on a night out that apparently has bartenders across the lands classifying you persona-full-flogus (and what you should do instead).
Top-shelf spirits in mixed drinks
Starting with a milder faux pas, we arrive at the subject of ordering expensive top-shelf spirits in a mixed drink. While weโve all done it, apparently itโs a no-no.
Sure, you may have your preferences. Just know that outside of those with a super-refined palate, you wonโt be able to tell a meaningful difference between the house selection and top-shelf. Essentially, itโs wasted once everything else is thrown in.
SOLUTION: Go with whatever the bartender suggests. Nine times out of ten, their knowledge trumps your so-called palate. Save yourself the money and dignity.
Something obnoxiously high-brow in a shit bar
Example: ordering Himalayan Pink Salt for the rim of your margaritas at a place that makes your RSL look like the fucking Park Hyatt probably isnโt the go. Time and place, people. Time and place.
SOLUTION: Order more appropriately. Stick to the tried and true basics.
Something obnoxiously low-brow in a nice bar
On the flip side to the previous point โ you donโt order chicken tenders at a hatted restaurant, and you donโt wear gym shorts with thongs at a wedding ceremony. So why would you think itโs OK to order a Vodka Cruiser or, God forbid, a Long Island Iced Tea at a nicer bar?
SOLUTION: Again, order more appropriately. By all means, get trashed if thatโs your objective. Just do it with a modicum of class.
Vodka Lime Sodas**
Why the asterisk, you ask? Because we at BH donโt personally believe this one. But apparently bartenders mentally roll their eyes at VLS orders due to how โbasicโ they deem it to be (as well as the supposed types of people that order it). Fair play โ itโs a decent way to stay slim on the terps. Just saying.
SOLUTION: Bartenders will tell you to be more creative. BH says play ball.
Mojitos
Yep.
SOLUTION: Donโt.
Drinks from the menu but substituted with Vodka
Someone that has invested their time, blood, sweat, and tears into refining their craft has sat down, thought about what would make the best possible drink, and presented it to you for consideration on a menu. An arbitrary substitution disregards all this and as weโre being told, stands to be an insult.
SOLUTION: Itโs like scribbling over the Mona Lisa with crayon. Leave the Mona Lisa alone. If you want Vodka, just order Vodka. Why are you pretending something clearly outside of your wheelhouse is for you?
โWhatever you wantโ/โSurprise meโ
This has got to be the number one pet peeve of bartenders the world over. Thereโs nothing more irritating than this apathetic manifestation of indecisiveness. Make a fucking choice or get out of the line. Unless you want the trade favourite: a neat pour of something strong you can be charged a pretty penny for.
SOLUTION: Thereโs no shame in not knowing what you like. Ask the bartender for suggestions and collaboratively work towards an answer.
And then when you tell the bartender how to do their jobโฆ
The know-it-all customer is a perennial thorn in the hospitality workerโs side, not just within the realms of bartending. Yes, you might know some fascinating tidbits about Speyside distilleries. But guess what? Thatโs the last thing you want to hear when youโre understaffed during peak hour, with twenty customers waiting to be served after you, and an angry line-cook whoโs threatening to gut you if another food order comes in fifteen minutes before the kitchen closes. Yeah, it gets rough.
SOLUTION: Save the regurgitated Vice documentary for your mates. Bartenders are paid to provide you with a drink. Nothing more, nothing less. Though no amount of money will make your unsolicited bullshit interesting. Move it along.
And now you know.
