Last year, I became a father. After nine months of excitement and anticipation, our little boy arrived and in an instant, the lives of my wife and I changed for good.
Since then, every day (and night) has basically revolved around him and his needs. From the immediate considerations like multiple nighttime wake-ups and shopping trips to the longer-term things like travel plans and where we want to live.
So if youโre planning on being a father anytime soon, youโve got a little one on the way, or youโre currently living with a newborn, itโs reasonable to feel a little overwhelmed or worried about what youโre doing and what the future might hold. With that in mind, I wanted to share a few things I learned in the first six months of my sonโs life.
Of course, everyoneโs experience of parenthood is varied and every baby will be different, so take all of this with a grain of salt because some โ or all โ of it might be irrelevant to or impossible for you. However, Iโll try and keep the lessons Iโve learned in fatherhood as general as possible, so hopefully at least one of them is useful for you.
You Can Get By With Much Less Sleep Than You Think
Before becoming a father, sleep deprivation was the thing I was worried about the most. I know that when Iโm really tired Iโm much less enjoyable to be around because, like most people, my patience is shorter, I get annoyed more easily, and my decision-making is worse.
I was concerned that while parenting an infant โ when my partner and I were still learning what we needed to do and how to do it โ weโd have less patience, become frustrated with each other and further compound whatever the issue in front of us was. Thereโs little that challenges relationships more than the build-up of silent resentment and it felt like parenting would be fertile ground for such emotions.
To my surprise, thereโs nothing like having a baby to make you lift your efforts. Before the baby arrived, if I had less than six hours of solid sleep I knew it was going to be a hard day ahead.
Since my son was born Iโve found that even with a few hours of broken sleep, I can generally get done most of what I need to do, with much more patience and kindness than before. Sure, Iโll be a bit forgetful, generally pretty low-energy, and unlikely to exercise that day, but despite my early fears, weโve managed to avoid major arguments and have looked after each other pretty well.
So if youโre worried about how sleep deprivation will affect you with a newborn, I more than understand. However, wait and see how things go once the baby arrives because you might surprise yourself.
Consistency Is Key
Babies arenโt too different from adults in the fact that generally, they love routine. From the time they wake up and how you change their nappy, to mealtimes and the bedtime routine, the more consistency youโre able to build into their days, itโs likely the better your days will go.
This is an area that we havenโt been particularly good at, but weโre working on improving. As weโre living in Vietnam at the moment, weโve had a few visitors that have meant routines are harder and weโve probably done more travelling than we needed to.
The travelling means we now know our baby generally behaves pretty well on flights, but time differences and sleeping in different locations have made his nighttime sleeping inconsistent both when weโre away and when we get home. There are plenty of parenting resources out there that say travelling with an infant is easier than with a toddler, and while Iโm sure thereโs some truth to that, it does come with downsides.
Because weโre still working out how to do it well, I donโt have any specific advice about consistency that Iโd pass, other than trying to work out how to do it yourself. Parenting is already hard, so there are benefits to keeping things in your control as predictable and routine as possible.
This Too Shall Pass
When youโve woken up to your baby crying for the fifth time in a row, youโre exhausted to your bones, and youโre wondering how youโre possibly going to get any work done in the morning, just remember it wonโt be like this forever. Itโll get better, and it might get worse after it gets better again, but as your baby grows and changes, the good and bad are always in flux.
Just as some of the worst elements of parenting an infant fade into memory, so too do all of the good things. The cute stretching and the almost self-conscious smile they give you when they wake up, the way theyโre perfectly contented being awake in your arms, and from a more practical perspective, the fact that they donโt move when you leave them somewhere (on the bed, not on a train station) will all stop at some point.
However, just as all of the positive things about newborns disappear, theyโre replaced by countless new beautiful and exciting behaviours and experiences. Itโs the same with the challenging elements of being the parent of a newborn: theyโll also be replaced by new challenges as your baby grows.
Essentially, just remember that the bad bits will pass, but so too will the good, so enjoy the good when itโs good and take solace in the fact that the bad isnโt forever.
Find Time For Yourself
New parents say a lot of the same annoying phrases and one of my least favourite is, โI donโt know what I did with all my time before the baby arrived.โ Beyond it being in the same starter-pack category of new parentโs friends asking, โHow are they sleeping?โ, it irritates me because it suggests equal parts amnesia and nobility for their dedication to their baby.
Have they somehow forgotten how life was a year ago? Do they want praise for doing nothing other than caring for the infant they brought into the world?
I also dislike it because โ within reason โ itโs important to look after yourself as a new parent. Not every new parent has the luxury of a partner or family members to share the load of caring for an infant, but the vast majority of us do and itโs critical to share the workload where practical.
Thereโs a reason in-flight safety demonstrations tell you to put your oxygen mask on before anyone else in your care. You canโt look after your baby in the best way youโre able to if youโre exhausted and burned out. Youโll feel terrible most of the time, youโll make unnecessary mistakes, and you wonโt do the things youโre trying to do as well as you could.
So if youโre able to, make sure you take time where you can get some exercise, get coffee with a friend, or even just go for a walk with the baby. Itโs not noble to run yourself into the ground and itโs not selfish to ask for help so you can do something that will make you feel better.
Go On Date Nights With Your Partner
Again, this one isnโt possible for everyone, but if you have parents (or anyone) in your life who are happy (and youโre happy for them) to take care of your baby for a couple of hours, let them do it and share a meal with your partner. Relationships are challenged when a baby arrives because itโs very hard to find time to spend quality time together, you donโt check in with each other as much, and most of your focus is taken up by the infant youโre caring for.
As a result, if there is a chance to go out for dinner or have a coffee together itโs important to do it. Even if itโs irregular and infrequent, sometimes is better than never. Because just like the previous tip, youโll take better care of your baby if youโre connected and caring for each other.
Again, itโs not selfish or uncaring. Itโs important and itโs not something you should feel guilty about. Youโre stronger together than you are apart, so make sure you take the time where practical and possible to keep your relationship strong.
โYour Life Has Never Been Worse, But Youโve Never Loved Anything So Muchโ
This was a piece of advice I heard from a former colleague a month before my son was born and while I didnโt understand it at the time, itโs one of the truest things Iโve heard about being a parent.
Compared to your life before the baby arrived, thereโs plenty about being a new parent that is frankly pretty unpleasant. At the same time, youโve truly never experienced the kind of love you have for your baby.
Itโs hard to put into words (and I didnโt believe all the parents who tried to tell me before I was a father), but when your baby is born your entire frame of reference shifts. If youโve had a tough day at work, youโve gotten some bad news, or youโre pessimistic about the state of the world, it all just melts away when you see your child smiling up at you.
While there are still many parts of your life that are important, the most important thing in your life immediately becomes your child. When parents tell you theyโd die for their child, you should believe them, because they would.
So while the life you used to have is gone forever and your new life as a parent has countless ways that itโs worse than how things used to be, thereโs no question that itโs all worth it. Especially when youโre wondering if it is.
