Last year, I became a father. After nine months of excitement and anticipation, our little boy arrived and in an instant, the lives of my wife and I changed for good.
Since then, every day (and night) has basically revolved around him and his needs. From the immediate considerations like multiple nighttime wake-ups and shopping trips to the longer-term things like travel plans and where we want to live.
So if you’re planning on being a father anytime soon, you’ve got a little one on the way, or you’re currently living with a newborn, it’s reasonable to feel a little overwhelmed or worried about what you’re doing and what the future might hold. With that in mind, I wanted to share a few things I learned in the first six months of my son’s life.
Of course, everyone’s experience of parenthood is varied and every baby will be different, so take all of this with a grain of salt because some — or all — of it might be irrelevant to or impossible for you. However, I’ll try and keep the lessons I’ve learned in fatherhood as general as possible, so hopefully at least one of them is useful for you.
You Can Get By With Much Less Sleep Than You Think
Before becoming a father, sleep deprivation was the thing I was worried about the most. I know that when I’m really tired I’m much less enjoyable to be around because, like most people, my patience is shorter, I get annoyed more easily, and my decision-making is worse.
I was concerned that while parenting an infant — when my partner and I were still learning what we needed to do and how to do it — we’d have less patience, become frustrated with each other and further compound whatever the issue in front of us was. There’s little that challenges relationships more than the build-up of silent resentment and it felt like parenting would be fertile ground for such emotions.
To my surprise, there’s nothing like having a baby to make you lift your efforts. Before the baby arrived, if I had less than six hours of solid sleep I knew it was going to be a hard day ahead.
Since my son was born I’ve found that even with a few hours of broken sleep, I can generally get done most of what I need to do, with much more patience and kindness than before. Sure, I’ll be a bit forgetful, generally pretty low-energy, and unlikely to exercise that day, but despite my early fears, we’ve managed to avoid major arguments and have looked after each other pretty well.
So if you’re worried about how sleep deprivation will affect you with a newborn, I more than understand. However, wait and see how things go once the baby arrives because you might surprise yourself.
Consistency Is Key
Babies aren’t too different from adults in the fact that generally, they love routine. From the time they wake up and how you change their nappy, to mealtimes and the bedtime routine, the more consistency you’re able to build into their days, it’s likely the better your days will go.
This is an area that we haven’t been particularly good at, but we’re working on improving. As we’re living in Vietnam at the moment, we’ve had a few visitors that have meant routines are harder and we’ve probably done more travelling than we needed to.
The travelling means we now know our baby generally behaves pretty well on flights, but time differences and sleeping in different locations have made his nighttime sleeping inconsistent both when we’re away and when we get home. There are plenty of parenting resources out there that say travelling with an infant is easier than with a toddler, and while I’m sure there’s some truth to that, it does come with downsides.
Because we’re still working out how to do it well, I don’t have any specific advice about consistency that I’d pass, other than trying to work out how to do it yourself. Parenting is already hard, so there are benefits to keeping things in your control as predictable and routine as possible.
This Too Shall Pass
When you’ve woken up to your baby crying for the fifth time in a row, you’re exhausted to your bones, and you’re wondering how you’re possibly going to get any work done in the morning, just remember it won’t be like this forever. It’ll get better, and it might get worse after it gets better again, but as your baby grows and changes, the good and bad are always in flux.
Just as some of the worst elements of parenting an infant fade into memory, so too do all of the good things. The cute stretching and the almost self-conscious smile they give you when they wake up, the way they’re perfectly contented being awake in your arms, and from a more practical perspective, the fact that they don’t move when you leave them somewhere (on the bed, not on a train station) will all stop at some point.
However, just as all of the positive things about newborns disappear, they’re replaced by countless new beautiful and exciting behaviours and experiences. It’s the same with the challenging elements of being the parent of a newborn: they’ll also be replaced by new challenges as your baby grows.
Essentially, just remember that the bad bits will pass, but so too will the good, so enjoy the good when it’s good and take solace in the fact that the bad isn’t forever.
Find Time For Yourself
New parents say a lot of the same annoying phrases and one of my least favourite is, “I don’t know what I did with all my time before the baby arrived.” Beyond it being in the same starter-pack category of new parent’s friends asking, “How are they sleeping?”, it irritates me because it suggests equal parts amnesia and nobility for their dedication to their baby.
Have they somehow forgotten how life was a year ago? Do they want praise for doing nothing other than caring for the infant they brought into the world?
I also dislike it because — within reason — it’s important to look after yourself as a new parent. Not every new parent has the luxury of a partner or family members to share the load of caring for an infant, but the vast majority of us do and it’s critical to share the workload where practical.
There’s a reason in-flight safety demonstrations tell you to put your oxygen mask on before anyone else in your care. You can’t look after your baby in the best way you’re able to if you’re exhausted and burned out. You’ll feel terrible most of the time, you’ll make unnecessary mistakes, and you won’t do the things you’re trying to do as well as you could.
So if you’re able to, make sure you take time where you can get some exercise, get coffee with a friend, or even just go for a walk with the baby. It’s not noble to run yourself into the ground and it’s not selfish to ask for help so you can do something that will make you feel better.
Go On Date Nights With Your Partner
Again, this one isn’t possible for everyone, but if you have parents (or anyone) in your life who are happy (and you’re happy for them) to take care of your baby for a couple of hours, let them do it and share a meal with your partner. Relationships are challenged when a baby arrives because it’s very hard to find time to spend quality time together, you don’t check in with each other as much, and most of your focus is taken up by the infant you’re caring for.
As a result, if there is a chance to go out for dinner or have a coffee together it’s important to do it. Even if it’s irregular and infrequent, sometimes is better than never. Because just like the previous tip, you’ll take better care of your baby if you’re connected and caring for each other.
Again, it’s not selfish or uncaring. It’s important and it’s not something you should feel guilty about. You’re stronger together than you are apart, so make sure you take the time where practical and possible to keep your relationship strong.
“Your Life Has Never Been Worse, But You’ve Never Loved Anything So Much”
This was a piece of advice I heard from a former colleague a month before my son was born and while I didn’t understand it at the time, it’s one of the truest things I’ve heard about being a parent.
Compared to your life before the baby arrived, there’s plenty about being a new parent that is frankly pretty unpleasant. At the same time, you’ve truly never experienced the kind of love you have for your baby.
It’s hard to put into words (and I didn’t believe all the parents who tried to tell me before I was a father), but when your baby is born your entire frame of reference shifts. If you’ve had a tough day at work, you’ve gotten some bad news, or you’re pessimistic about the state of the world, it all just melts away when you see your child smiling up at you.
While there are still many parts of your life that are important, the most important thing in your life immediately becomes your child. When parents tell you they’d die for their child, you should believe them, because they would.
So while the life you used to have is gone forever and your new life as a parent has countless ways that it’s worse than how things used to be, there’s no question that it’s all worth it. Especially when you’re wondering if it is.
