Ghosting is a dog act. But let’s be real: nobody’s hands are clean.
Despite becoming something of a default response in early-stage dating, it’s not exactly your best move. As Mark Twain said, “Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.”
Sending a short, kind text doesn’t just help the person on the other end — it clears your conscience too. And with this simple framework, it’s easy to hit send guilt-free, with your dignity intact.
Why we ghost (even though it’s poor form)
At its core, ghosting is pure avoidance.
We’re all hardwired to dodge pain and discomfort. And telling someone it’s not working out means owning up to the fact that you might hurt their feelings or come off as the asshole. But avoidance doesn’t spare you from discomfort — it just drags it out.
You reinforce the belief that you can’t handle tough chats by continually opting out. It compounds over time, making future confrontations even harder. Disappointing people is a skill, one you’ll need in relationships, and dating is the perfect way to practice it.
So how do you flex that muscle, put an end to ambiguity, and stop the spiral your silence creates?
The “Compliment Sandwich”
This three-step formula is your new go-to alternative to ghosting. It’s flexible enough to work for anything from a first date to the sixth; until it’s time to move from text to proper conversation.
Step 1: Start on a high
Kick things off on a positive note. Acknowledge that they were interesting, told great stories, or picked a sick spot for drinks.
Example: “I had a great time last night and hearing all about your trip to Japan.”
Add on: Call out a few things you genuinely liked about them. Maybe they were thoughtful, funny, attentive, or generous. Everyone loves a compliment.
Step 2: Drop the bomb
Here’s the tricky part, but don’t overthink it or don’t drag it out. Be direct and kind, and avoid the word “spark.” It’s polarising and tends to provoke snarky responses. Stick to a more neutral term like connection.
Example: “But I don’t think we’re quite what each other is looking for,” or “But I’m not feeling a deeper connection here.”
Step 3: End on a high
Close it out positively. Mention something they told you about, like a plan, event, or goal, to show you listened and cared. This is the best window to suggest a friendship (though only if you mean it).
Example: “Wishing you the best with that presentation next week! I know you’ll crush it.”
Optional add-on: “It would be great to stay friends if you’re open to it.”
Why it works
- It’s rare
Ghosting may be the norm, but thoughtful (and now effortless) texts like this set you apart as someone with their act together. - It’s respectful
A clean break lets them move on faster and gives them a template they can save in their Notes and deploy for next time. - It’s buildable
This framework works for most early-stage dating scenarios. - It’s karma-proof
No awkward run-ins or guilt later because you handled it like an adult… And let’s hope they pay it forward!
What not to do
- Lazy excuses
“I’m too busy right now” or “I just got out of a relationship” won’t cut it, especially if you’re still on the apps. Keep it short and honest. “I’m not feeling a deeper connection” is enough. - Don’t delay
Rip the bandaid off and move on. - Don’t gaslight
Avoid contradicting what you may have said before, like claiming you’re suddenly “not ready for something serious” Own it. It’s fine to mean, “just not with you.” - Don’t play the victim
Skip the pity grabs like, “Work’s been crazy for me.” This isn’t about you, it’s about them. Don’t hog the spotlight.
The response isn’t on you
If you’re worried about the backlash, you can relax.
Here’s what’ll happen: most of the time, you’ll get a response like, “Thanks for letting me know,” or even, “I appreciate your honesty.” Rejection stings, but people prefer the truth over sitting in the dark, wondering what went wrong.
And if they don’t reply?
Their silence isn’t your problem. You did your part. Hitting send isn’t about them — it’s about you. Every time you step up, you build confidence and self-respect. And when you respect yourself, others will, too.
While you’re here, check out some other cracking guides from evidence-based dating coach and Tinder ambassador Sera Bozza:
- How To Take A Good Dick Pic: A Complete Guide
- A Girl’s Group Chat Tells Us What Not To Wear On A First Date
- A Girl’s Group Chat Tells Us What They Look For Before Swiping Right
- A Modern Man’s Guide To ‘Attachment Styles’
- How To Tackle Valentine’s Day When You’re Only Two Dates In
- Casual Sex Etiquette 101: What Women Want You To Know
- Become A Sex God With These Simple Workouts
- The Hot/Crazy Scale Is Real & Actually Backed By Science
- 10 Things Women Look For In Your Apartment
