It’s that glorious time of year again when the who’s-who of nobodies come out from the woodwork, gracing the likes of Randwick and Flemington with their classy acts.
You’ve seen one, you know one, in fact, you probably are one.
Here are seven flogs we’ll miss at Spring Racing this year.
1. The Tarocash Flog
This flog hasn’t updated his suiting style since Year 12 formal. In fact, he would’ve worn the same blue suit if it still fit. Sadly, they developed quite the wide chassis during their time sinking piss at Charles Sturt University.
No matter, the white leather shoes and white belt combo will surely pull the sheilas, he tells himself, quietly chuffed he copped a mid-season sale at both Tarocash and Yd.
You’ll find this flog under the umbrellas down by the fence with a frothy in hand and some slick reflective sunnies to keep out the rays. No women are in sight, but he’ll tell you race day is for the boys, anyway.
2. The “My Mate’s Horse Is Running” Flog
This flog never lets you forget that his mate’s horse is on the course today, but in reality, it’s more like his uncle’s best mate’s boss.
You’ll find this operator trying to smooth talk his way into the corporate boxes or floating around the member’s area on a guesty that he had to beg for a day prior.
He’s an absolute pest around the ladies and talks a big game all day long, gloating about single-handedly getting everyone on the list for kick ons at The Emerson or The Beresford.
3. The Sure Thing Flog
This flog has a sure thing tip for every jump of the Spring Racing calendar. He also believes shouting “Go cunt” while pressed against the fence or at the screens in the TAB will increase the horses’ speed by approximately 110%.
If you don’t bet on his tip, you’re instantly deemed public enemy number one and any punt that isn’t triple figures is a bitch effort.
4. The D-Grade Celebrity Flog
This flog thinks his 2016 stint on The Bachelorette is enough to warrant an inclusion in the Moet & Chandon box – it’s actually the only invite he’s received since he was unfairly sent home three weeks into the reality TV show.
When he’s not low-key hanging around the photo wall for a chance to be papped for The Sun Herald‘s back pages, his favourite pastime includes smelling his house keys in the bathroom with other fellow D-Grade flogs.
5. The Loose Cannon Flog
This flog is a regular gentleman until he gets on the turps, at which point he goes from hero to zero in the shortest space of time possible.
He thought an extra bottle of bubbly at breakfast was a classy touch. That is right up until he’s legless with a bloody nose at 2 PM, followed by complimentary security detail on his way out.
No further contact with said flog is made until late afternoon on the Sunday, when you receive confirmation he’s still alive… along with the fact he and the misso are once again on the rocks after she left the grounds crying, high heels in hand.
6. The Fashions On The Field Flog
This flog claims to know menswear because he discovered P Johnson five years ago, who obviously made the windowpane DB he’s wearing for today’s “Fashions On The Field” appearance.
He’s still hanging onto the Double Monk trend and only wears Number 7 ties because he saw Lino Leluzzi wearing one at Pitti that time he went to take photos for his 6,000 Instagram followers.
He doesn’t lay eyes on a horse or the track all day, citing various judging and finals commitments, but finds more than enough time to stride endlessly through the crowd with his walking stick seat or umbrella hoping someone might notice him.
7. The “I Don’t Go To The Races Unless I’m In The Birdcage” Flog
This flog is everyone in the Boss Hunting office. He copped a last minute invite for some form of hospitality suite despite him telling his mates “he’s sorted through work” for months now.
He goes exceptionally hard on the free piss, although conveniently stops short of having to buy $12 beers when the tab ends or the marquee closes.
If he doesn’t get a Birdcage invite thrown his way this year his excuse will be along the lines of: “Nah, mate, I’ve done it before and it’s the same-same every year, so I fobbed it off. It’s all a huge flog fest anyway.”
