The backbone of every man’s wardrobe is his undies, whether they’re seen by others on the daily or not. But it’s all fun and games until the kit comes off. Remember, first impressions last, and whether you’re stripping down for a day at the beach or getting lucky at the local watering hole, a man’s battle armour speaks volumes of his personality.
So what do your undies say about you? Here’s Boss Hunting’s bell curve of the underwear spectrum, presented by Lacoste.
Budgie Smugglers
Who are we to yuck another man’s yum?
Some blokes enjoy a squirt of Tommy-K with their sausage rolls instead of BBQ sauce. Some blokes prefer to sink a few tinnies under the sun as opposed to a cool, air-conditioned pub. And some blokes actively choose to have their genitalia compressed in a vice-like grip instead of enjoying the delicate cupping support undergarments are supposed to offer.
What is there to be said about wearing budgie smugglers that hasn’t already been said about an M. Night Shamalayan movie? It’s bewildering, obnoxious, and nobody wants to see that shit anymore. Unless you’re a professional athlete or work in a profession involving water, you’re just looking for the attention your father never gave you. Figure it out.
Y Fronts
Your weekly rotation was pre-purchased for you a long time ago. Speaking of weekly, each individual pair is labelled with your name, childhood home address, as well as being assigned a specific day.
It’s not your fault you were Peter Panned into oblivion all throughout your childhood and deep into your early adulthood. But the fact remains. To this day, you:
- Refuse to eat sandwiches unless the crust has been cut off, call fish fingers “fish fingies”
- Maintain a strict 9 PM bedtime (or you’ll be grumpy the next day)
- And have somehow maintained a romantic relationship with an adult woman for years now… who you regularly slip up and call “mum”
Maybe Freud was onto something.
Boxer Briefs
You’re a renaissance man. A card-carrying member of the dacks master race who will lead humanity to a greater tomorrow. You understand there’s value in having the best of both worlds, and for that, you will forever be superior. Form-fitting… functional… flattering… there’s no punchline here. Just straight facts. And the best boxer briefs out right now are from Lacoste, who’ve just relaunched their underwear range with new designs and fabrics.
Note: Abs sold separately.
Bamboo Trunks
This one’s for the sweaty operators out there who cook a full batch of spicy jambalaya in their pants when forced to walk any more than a single flight of stairs. So, in an act of adaptation that would make Charles Darwin proud, you picked the most breathable undies available and never looked back.
We can’t all be built like Baywatch-era Zac Efron or a Victoria’s Secret model. We’re ordinary punters. The everyman. We have meat on our bones that doesn’t resemble marble chiselled by Grecian gods, glands that haven’t been eliminated by scientific intervention, the works. To paraphrase Jeff Goldblum, biology finds a way.
Bonus: you no longer have to mine for gold to fish out fabric from that condemned hellscape you call an ass crack.
Boxers (Cotton)
You call every male you encounter “old sport” and refuse to speak with anyone more than a single tax bracket below yours. The only thing that’ll afford you more real estate than this loose-fitting article of clothing? The three parcels included in your future wife’s dowry payment (along with some livestock and Spanish bullions).
But we jest. Cotton boxers are a fine sartorial choice for any environment where the mercury doesn’t hit double digits. In fact, they look right at home in your wardrobe, next to those knickerbocker pants, vintage one-piece bathing suits, tophat, pocket watch, and walking cane.
Boxers (Silk)
Wearing silk boxers in 2022 is like breastfeeding beyond the age of two. It’s bloody uncomfortable to acknowledge and suddenly nobody wants to make eye contact with you.
Face it. The dream is dead. You ain’t Tupac. You’ll never be Tupac. The silk numbers went out of fashion with baggy jeans, boomboxes, and pretending Friends was a show worth watching. And for good reason. All of the above rightly deserve to be kept in a pre-9/11 world.
Given how you’re stuck in the past, you also probably drop your pants all the way down to your ankles at public urinals primary school-style.
Commando
You take medical advice from Joe Rogan and unironically believe Liver King’s horrifying diet isn’t a one-way ticket into an early grave.
Granted, it’s beneficial to let the kielbasa breathe from time to time. But the last thing your training partner wants to experience when you’re spotting them on the bench press is being repeatedly mushroom stamped on their forehead (gentle as they might be).
Sadly, no amount of fronting about what a primal caveman you are – preaching about “ancestral living” while jacked up on T-injections – will hide the fact your hairline is looking like the McDonald’s logo these days.
This article is sponsored by Lacoste. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Boss Hunting.
